Real Time with Bill Maher #334 10/31/14 Crazy, Scary, and Weird

Crazy, Scary Weird Jokes

by Catherine Giordano

Things can get a little crazy, a little scary, and a little weird on Halloween. And also just before an election. And also on Friday nights on Real Time with Bill Maher. There was lots of crazy, scary and weird on episode 334 which arid on October 31, 2014.

Halloween Jokes

In the monolog, Bill Maher began with a few Halloween jokes.

• Everything is orange and black on Halloween, just like John Boehner at a funeral.
• If you see a guy running down the street with a bloody knife, you don’t know if it is a costume or ISIS.
• John McCain is looking like the crypt-keeper.
• Rick Perry has his clothes on backwards. Not because of Halloween—just because it’s Rick Perry. (CLICK HERE to see some more Rick-Perry-is-stupid jokes.)

Maher topped it off by saying this year he was going as a sexy Ebola nurse.

Ebola

Maher said ebola was scary, but we need to remember that ebola has killed fewer people in this country than OJ.

He mentioned that politics is so weird. Republicans want to put Kaci Hickox, the nurse who returned from treating ebola patients in Africa lives in Maine in isolation or house arrest despite the fact that she has no symptoms. (No one can get ebola unless they have contact with the bodily fluids of someone who has symptoms. The first symptom is a fever. She is taking her temperature twice daily and she does not have a fever.) “It’s weird,” Maher said “because Republicans never want the government involved and now they want the government involved.”  

Wesley Clark

Panelist Wesley Clark is retired general of the United States Army and the author of several books. His most recent book is Don’t Wait for the Next War: A Strategy for American Growth and Global Leadership. He said, “Republicans see a weakness. They are the party of fear. The Democrats are the party of fair.” Nicely put.

 I say, “Get a grip, America.

In the United States, none of the ebola patients have died except for the first one who did not receive prompt treatment. This suggests that with prompt treatment, ebola is not as deadly as we think.

So far the family members or people who had close contact with the three ebola patients in this country have not become infected themselves. This suggests that ebola is not as catchy as we think.

Another panelist, Senator Angus King (I, ME) and author of Governor's Travels: How I Left Politics, Learned to Back Up a Bus, and Found America said, People have to get educated. When people first heard about AIDS they thought you could get it from a doorknob. The flue kills 20,000 people a year. Ebola has killed one.”

The Muslim Brouhaha

This is like a horror movie where the beast will not die no matter how many times you kill it. There was a stupid argument a few weeks ago on Bill’s show with Ben Affleck. (See my recap at Wake Up, America) Maher said that too many Muslims held beliefs that allow terrorists groups to thrive. For instance large majority of Muslims believe that the death penalty is appropriate for anyone who blaspheme or leaves the faith. He did not say that every Muslim is a terrorist.

Tonight he had to defend himself once again. Maher pointed out that Raza Aslan, a religious scholar and Muslim has agreed with Maher. A panelist, Rula Jebreal, a journalist, novelist,--her most recent book is Miral: A Novel-- and screenwriter launched a tirade. “She called Maher a racist.” Maher responded: “Muslims are not a race:” She said, “You wouldn’t dare say those kinds of things about blacks or Jews.” Maher responded: “Blacks and Jews do not belong to a religion that wants to kill Salman Rushdie for writing a book. (The Satanic Verses: A Novel) Maher added: "I resent that you are comparing me to an anti-Semite."

At one point, Jebreal said she was a secular Muslim. (Be careful, Rula, that could get you killed in some countries.)

Maher himself brought the subject up because he has been invited to speak at the December commencement ceremony at Berkeley College. It is the 50^th anniversary of The Free Speech Movement. Some are trying to get Maher disinvited because of this blown-out-of-proportion brouhaha. Jebreal is one of them

Angus King

Maher said he was not going to be speaking about Muslims in this speech. He will be giving the usual type of commencement speech—words of encouragement for the futures of the graduates. Clark and King defended Maher‘s right to free speech. Maher pointed out that people can disagree on an issue. He told Jebreal that even though she disagreed with him, he invited her on the show. Jebreal continued to scream in his face. Maher continued to respond politely and calmly.

Finally Maher said, “We have to move on.” He says that a few times every week. He has several topics he wants to discuss during the show so he has to cut off debate sometimes. Jebreal committed the unpardonable sin for a talk show guest. She would not stop ranting. Bill repeated that he had to move on. Jebreal kept right on ranting. It got to the point where I thought Maher was going to have to ask security to escort her off the set, but Maher was finally able to get her to stop ranting.

A new country called Reagan

The mid show comedy segment was about another call for secession by the people who love America so much that they want to leave her. Now that is crazy.

Doug McKinnon has outlined the plan in a little pamphlet called The Secessionist States of America. The Blueprint for Creating a Traditional Values Country. They want their new country to be called Reagan. Now that is weird. Maher gave us a few of his ideas about what this country would be like.

• Brunch is never served and dinner is at 3pm.
• A quiet place for heterosexuals who call their wives Mommy.
• If you lived here, you’d be homophobic by now.
• Come for the Pie. Demand an even bigger slice of the pie.
• It’s where the gardeners speak English.

Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria and Migrant Farmers

The mid-show guest was the actress and activist with the Latino Victory Project Eva Longoria. (She looked stunningly beautiful, by the way.) She was promoting a documentary called Food Chains.

 

Her most recent one is Eva's Kitchen: Cooking with Love for Family and Friends.) She compared the plight of the migrant workers to slavery. They get a penny a pound for picking tomatoes; they pick 4000 pounds a day and earn about $40 a day (if they get paid). There has been a campaign to have consumers pay an extra penny a pound in order to double the pay of the workers. Consumers are OK with this as are most fast-food restaurants, supermarkets, and even Wal-Mart. The two holdouts are Wendy’s and Publix. (Remember that whey you decided where to eat or shop.)  

Jebreal, evidently still smoldering about being shut down, interjected asked if the farmers who were mistreating the workers wee Americans. Longoria looked confused, but said that they were. Jubreal replied, “Not Muslims. Thank you.” This earned her a dirty book from Maher. She was so out of line that I couldn’t bear to watch her anymore. Fortunately, I was watching the show via my DVR. From then on, every time she spoke, I fast-forwarded.

The upcoming election

King, who is an Independent, said people have told him, "All my life I have wanted to vote-for-none-of-the- above and you are it." King said people don’t vote on issues—they vote on do they like you; do they trust you.

Is Ernst crazier than Michelle Malkin?

Maher talked about Joni Ernst. “She’s a nut. She wants to arrest federal officials who implement Obamacare. She says states can nullify laws. She says there is no climate change, and the minimum wage should be abolished. Maher concluded, “Democrats don’t have nuts like this.”
 



Kal Penn

Kal Penn is an actor, best known for the Harold and Kumar movies, who left the  successful TV series House, to work for the White House. Penn was on the show to promote his documentary Bhopal: APrayer for Rain. It is about the 1984 chemical disaster that killed 5000 Indians. But Maher soon had him talking politics. 

Penn pointed out that it is hard to predict “the youth vote.” You don’t know if they are a “likely voter” if it is their first time voting. Maher discussed the Flip-A-District campaign to get John Kline (R MN) unelected. Maher is appealing to the college student voter’s because of Kline’s record of raising rates on student loans. “All we need is 29,000 additional votes—half of a Bon Jovi concert.”  

He continued this theme with New Rules. “Voting is one thing that scares Republicans, which is way Republicans try to make it so hard. “ 

Maher went on to castigate Democrats who are distancing themselves from the president. “It is not a winning strategy. Just ask President Al Gore.”  

Maher then listed all of the accomplishments of the Obama administration. 

• 53 months of economic expansion
• A depression averted
• Deficit reduced by two thirds
• A health care law that is working and reducing costs
• Two women appointed to the Supreme Court
• The stock market at record highs.
• Bin Laden is dead.
• Unemployment is down from 10.2 to 5.9. (For Fox News viewers, that means it’s down.)
• Gas prices are down.

“Why is this a hard record to get behind,” he asked.

• “Beheading videos get more likes than Obama.”
• “You gave people health care, not herpes. Own it."
• “Don’t chase polls, Change them.”

He then criticized Clay Aiken, a singer and author (Learning to Sing: Hearing the Music in Your Life), who is running for Congress in NC, for distancing himself from Obama. “You are a gay man in North Carolina. Instead of rallying liberals you are hoping to get the folks who watch Duck Dynasty to vote for you.” He said “Clay Aiken is having trouble getting the Clay Aiken vote.”

He concluded that Democrats who distance themselves from their president are like Clay Aiken—“Happy to come in second.” 
 

Don’t let crazy, scary and weird take over this country. Make sure you go out to vote and that you vote for Democrats.

 

HBO Real Time with Bill Maher #290 “Smart-Stupid People”

by Catherine Giordano

HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher”, episode 290, airing on July 19, 2013 was a slog. Except for Dan Savage, who was the special guest, the guests were dull. Bill did “new Rules about “smart-stupid people.  Some of the guests, like Dan Savage, are super-smart smart people. 

Dan Savage wore a red shirt on the Bill Maher show to "gay it up" 

Dan is best known as a sex columnist and for founding the organization “It Gets Better,” to help gay youth cope. He has a new book of essays, American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love and Politics. (Click on the link to learn more about the book)

Dan spoke about his husband of 20 years and their teen-aged son. The child was adopted as a baby. This gave Dan his opening.  “I’m going to keep inseminating my husband, because anything is possible with God.” Everyone laughed except for Grover Norquist, who had an expression of angry condemnation on his face. He’s definitely smart stupid—in his case, I think he says stupid things on purpose. It’s his brand.

Dan’s son by the way, recently came out as straight, thereby proving wrong the canard that gay parents make their children gay.  

Dan’s other really terrific line last night was about fidelity in marriage. A gay couple has the highest rate of infidelity, a male/female couple is second, and a lesbian couple has the lowest rate. “It’s not gayness that leads to infidelity,” Dan concluded,” It is dick.” Men are less likely to remain faithful.  Dan shattered another myth about gays being promiscuous—it is not because they are gay, it is because they are men.

Another panel member was the afore-mentioned Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform.” I call him “One Note Norquist. No matter what the topic, he’s talking about taxes being too high and Obama being a really bad president. Give it a rest, Norquist. You are boring.

Another panel member was Rula Jebreal, a Palestinian, journalist, and political commentator. She was the liberal on the panel. She was a little too shall I say “enthusiastic.”  It made me think she had ADHD; she spoke loudly, rapidly, and animatedly—a lot of finger wagging.

The third panel member was Connie Mack, the former Republican senator from Florida, now a lobbyist. (What else?) I can see why he was a successful politician—he’s smooth.  He gently deflects any question that is contentious and speaks in banalities.  He is as laid back as Jebreal is fiery.

During the discussion about Obamacare, Bill brought up the fact that Congress repealed Obamacare for the 39^th time. Bill pointed out that the health care insurance premiums had come down by half in states like California where people want the plan to work. One-Note Norquist insisted Obmacare should be abolished. Savage retorted, “So you want to drive the costs back up.” Mack said, “It kills jobs.” Bill refuted that with facts. Savage said, “Obamacare was the conservative Heritage Foundation’s plan but as soon as it came out of the black man’s mouth, conservatives were against it. We need single payer! “  (I say, “amen.”) Bill said, “It was Bob Dole’s plan.” Norquist gut all huffy. “Bob Dole was no Ronald Reagan!”  Jebreal excitedly chimed in, “Ronald Reagan raised taxes eight times.” And then the discussion moved to a new topic.

The interview was with John Hargrove, a former trainer at Sea World who has collaborated on a documentary, Blackfish. He was very low key and spoke about how he feels the marine animals are abused. “What right do they have to take the lives of these whales for our entertainment and to line the pockets of the corporate owners.”

Bill began his monologue with comments about Obama’s speech about race earlier in the day. (Another history-making speech by Obama, delivered extemporaneously and without advance notice during a routine press briefing with Andrew Card. A black guy popping up like that”, Bill said, “Good thing it wasn’t in Florida.” Bill mentioned that Obama said that he had personal experience with women clutching their purses around him. Bill said, “That was just last week at Fox News.”

Bill also joked about George Zimmerman and the people who say he is not really free because he will always have to be looking over his shoulder for some vigilante who might want to kill him. (Zimmerman’s brother said this on TV without any sense of irony.). Bill did not miss the irony. He said, “Yeah, people might see an obviously guilty man and want to take matters into their own hands.” Then he joked that Zimmerman would end up on Fox News with a show called “Stand Your Ground with George Zimmerman.”

The comedy segment was about the Pope’s tweets. Pope Frank (as Bill likes to call him) is now on Twitter. If you follow the Pope, you get time off from purgatory. (This is the” is-this- for-real?” moment of the show.) Bill gave us some joke tweets like “red shoes go with everything. #infallible)” and “ Who wore it best? #be honest” (The latter has a picture of the Pope next to the retired Pope, each wearing their robes.) and “Listening to confession right now. Like I care. Yada, Yada, Yada. Five Hail Marys. #OpusDayJob)”

In New Rules, Bill did on riff on “smart stupid people”. For instance, a neurosurgeon, Eben Alexander, wrote a book, Proof of Heaven, because of visions he had while in a coma. Bill said, “He made a day trip to heaven. No dude, you were just tripping… That was not heaven, that was a Lunestra commercial.” (Click the link to learn more about the book.)

He mentioned that Arthur Conan Dayle was a surgeon and wrote the Sherlock Homes stories, but he believed in fairies. William Mckenzie King was Canada’s Prime Minster for 22 years and spoke five languages, but he believed that he could talk to the spirits of dead Irish Setters. Dr. Ben Carson was a neurosurgeon who performed the first successful operation to separate conjoined twins joined at the head. Discussing how a smart doctor can be so smart and so stupid at the same time he suggested a duality, “He doesn’t just operate on conjoined twins. He is one.”

  

Bill saved his most vicious attacks for members of Congress. It seems there are a lot of “know-nothing” doctors in Congress and for some unknown reasons they all happen to be ob-gyns. One thinks the earth is only 6,000 years old, one thinks that women can’t get pregnant from a rape, and so on.  The fact that they are ob-gyns led to a joke—if we want people who have had their head between women’s legs, why not Congressman Michael Douglas?  (You have to remember what Douglas said about his throat cancer to get this joke.

Bill, by the way, is “smart-ass smart” and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Please share this review by tweeting, "liking" on facebook, and "+1 ing" on google circles.

Please ""follow" so you don't miss any of my reviews.

If you like New Rules on the show, click here for the book.

If you like New Rules on the show, click here for the book.

HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher #268 "Easy Marks"

By Catherine Giordano

Bill Maher is back on HBO with “Real Time with Bill Maher”, but the show felt a little lame this week.  Was Bill (and staff) just a bit rusty from their eight week break, were the guests a bit lackluster, or is it because that now that the election is over Bill just doesn’t have as much to work with? 

I’ve titled this review “Easy Marks” because a lot of politicians and celebrities being hoist upon his rapier are just easy marks.  Making fun of them is just too easy.

In the opening monologue, Bill said John Boehner refers to next Monday, the day of President Obama’s inauguration for a second term, as “Black Monday.”

Also in the monologue, Bill mentioned that former Republican presidential candidate (and current governor of Texas) Rick Perry, said the real answer to school shootings is prayer. Bill skewered him by saying he would pay money to see Perry defend himself against a school-shooter with prayer. Then he added, “Who am I kidding—Perry in a school?” It was funny, but ever since Perry humiliated himself by amorously caressing a bottle of maple syrup, he’s just too easy a mark.

Mark Sanford, the former governor of South Carolina who became famous for giving new meaning to “hiking the Appalachian Trail” is planning to run for Congress.  He was the butt of the mid-show comedy segment—Bill had some campaign slogans for him such as, “More tail and less fat” and referring to Arnold Swartzeneggar (another easy target) “At least it wasn’t the maid.” (That was a twofer.)

Manti Te’O, who is looking a bit pathetic these days, is another easy mark who got a drubbing last night. He was a Notre Dame football player up for the Heisman trophy who claimed that his internet girlfriend, whom he had never met in person, had died. It was a hoax, but it is unclear if Te’O was the victim or the perpetuator of the hoax (or maybe both).

Bill commented that the United States is in love with torture. “The first 45 minutes of Zero Dark Thirty was all torture, the same with The Hobbit.” He pointed out that Ben Affleck, Claire Daines, and Jessica Chastain all won Global Globes awards for playing CIA officers. Then he took aim at Sarah Palin, an easy mark, and said Julianne Moore won for Game Change because Sarah Palin is a master CIA officer.

Bill picked on the easiest mark of them all, Glenn Beck. It seems Beck wants to build his own town for his followers. Bill said that Real Time has a segment about Republicans being in a metaphoric bubble, but now Beck wants to live in an actual bubble. [This would make for a great horror movie—a town where everyone was like Glenn Beck—maybe we could call it “The Horror at Becktown.”]

The interview was with Bob Kerry, a Democrat, and the former governor and senator from Nebraska. Bill teased him about being confused “with the senator married to the ketchup lady (referring to John Kerry married to Teresa Heinz). Kerry sheepishly admitted that it sometimes happens. 

The rest of the interview was serious. Bill commented on the fact that Bob Kerry is a Vietnam vet, as is John Kerry, Obama’s pick for Secretary of State, and Chuck Hegel, Obama’s pick for Secretary of Defense. They discussed how it was good to have veterans in these positions because they understood the real consequences of war, unlike McCain who always wants a war going. McCain opposes Hegel because Hegel will likely mess with McCain’s plans for war with Iran.

One of the panelists was Martin Short, the comedian and actor. He is liberal, intelligent and can usually be counted on for a few witty, but scathing, remarks. His liberal and intelligent views were on display during the show, but the wit—not so much.  

The other two panelists were Republicans, Michelle Caruso-Cabera, a CNBC correspondent, and Steve LaTourette, a former Republican congressman from Ohio who is currently--what else?--a lobbyist.  Both were well well-behaved and made reasonable comments—something we don’t see too often with Republicans on Bill’s panel.

Caruso-Cabera is more a libertarian than Republican. She favors conservative fiscal policy and small government, but feels that government should not intervene on social issues.  Un-fortunately for her, she became the star of the “the-egg-on-your-face“ moment of the week. During the discussion on torture, she said that if you knew you could save lives, it would be right to use torture. She looked stunned when everyone turned on her, including LaTourette, forcefully condemning her statement. 

The special guest was Rula Jebreal, a contributor to Newsweek and the Daily Beast, a novelist, and screenwriter. She made intelligent and insightful comments, and she was passionate about her opinions. Very passionate--but she managed to do it in a charming way.  Jebreal  is a Palestinian, and she educated the panel, and me (and probably you) about the Israeli—Palestinian conflict.. When Caruso-Cabera tried to score points and call Al Gore a hypocrite for selling his TV network, Current, to Al Jezeera (a favorite talking point lately among right wingers), Jebreal sprang to the defense of, not Al Gore but, Al Jezeera. She said that Americans misrepresent Al Jezera--without Al Jezera there would have been no “Arab Spring.”

Martin Short made some good points during the discussion about guns in America.  He pointed out that Canada, where he is from, has only 24% gun ownership, and a fraction of the rate of gun deaths compared to America.  When Bill scoffed at the idea that we would get any change in gun laws here in America, Short compared it to cigarettes. They were once ubiquitous, but first attitudes changed, and then laws changed. We have to begin somewhere.

I think Short has a good point. Once cigarette smoking was everywhere, now smokers have to take the walk of shame out to the alley if they want to smoke.  Maybe one day, no one will want to belong to the NRA and gun ownership will be a shameful secret.

Speaking about gun control, all I hear from right-wing gun nuts is that the 2^nd amendment is to protect citizens from the tyranny of the government. Stephen Colbert had a great line about that on his show the other night.  He said that the writers of the Constitution, like all constitutional writers said, “If you don’t like what we do, feel free to shoot us.” The 2^nd amendment includes the phrase “a well-regulated militia”--right-wingers always ignore that phrase.

The “militia” part is key to understanding the 2^nd Amendment. There was no standing army at the time and the “right to bear arms” was about every able-bodied man being ready to defend the country against foreign invasion. At the time, soldiers were often required to supply their own weapons. The constitution offers other ways to defend against tyranny—elections, checks and balances, and as a last resort, impeachment, which was meant to be used rarely and  only for the most egregious of crimes.

Bill devoted the last bit of his “New Rules” segment to the issue of guns, He said that gun-nuts think they need guns to protest their freedom, but they have already lost their freedom. The real threat to freedom is “Big Brother.” The government can look at our emails, can monitor our phone calls, can pry into our private life in all sorts of ways.  He said, “They think guns keep them free, but we have lost all our rights except gun rights.  “It’s like a strip club with a million bouncers and no strippers.”

Finally, I would like to award the first ever “Easy Mark” award of the week to Michelle Caruso-Cabera. She has evidently been living in the right-wing bubble because she looked startled when even fellow Republican, LaTourette, called her out on her statements.

Please share this review by tweeting, "liking" on facebook, and "+1 ing" on google circles.

Please ""follow" so you don't miss any of my reviews.

This picture of  targets within a speech bubble is from http://us.123rf.com